A boomer’s discombobulating wardrobe malfunction

If living young means dressing young … well, Houston, we have a problem! That’s what baby boomer Kitty Torres of White Plains, New York, writes about in her piece, “Wardrobe Malfunction.”

The last time a near-tragic accident happened — not a car crash or tripping over a rug and breaking a kneecap or anything like that — was when the new silky bikini briefs bought for my family’s state occasion started sliding down my legs.

It’s always at the most inopportune time. My dearest cousin was celebrating his son’s confirmation. Between the church and the restaurant, we walked about ten New York City blocks. This is where the slinky material started leaving the station, making local stops toward my ankles.

How we ladies love our Victoria Secret stash of cute thongs, push-up bras, and even, (for the right occasion), garter belts. All great assets to make us feel glamorous and dazzling. Even this boomer still wants to feel sexy sometimes. Yet when these convoluted articles of lingerie rip, tear, and start inching down our hips heading to the thighs, you know it is time to take corrective action. The bikini brief that seemed like such a great idea at the special sale is now a disaster. How can you talk to your cousin’s wife and hold up your drawers at the same time, and still make sure she doesn’t notice what is going on while we walk?

And why don’t men have this problem? I feel like men’s briefs have waistbands made from titanium. Their pants may fall down and require suspenders but their drawers stay put. Is it that ladies’ lingerie manufacturers don’t care if their garments suck or maybe should suck more? The actress who did the sex scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey said she had a thong crazy-glued to her butt during the steamier sex scenes. Could that be what I need: crazy-glue for a crazy lady to keep my drawers up?

Kitty Torres

Still, I refuse to go to Sears and procure the granny panties. I am definitely not there yet. I have to have some fun before I call the whole thing quits. Sexy underwear is definitely worth the effort. And at my age, a good bra can work wonders.

Getting back to the last time my underwear started losing its grip, I held on to the offending lingerie through my dress with my left hand and turned toward my cousin’s wife. She was her usual epitome of chic, wearing beige patent leather pumps. Could they be Jimmy Choo’s, I wondered, listening to her chatter about her son’s accomplishments and how they enjoyed city life as a family?

She stopped at the crosswalk and said, “It didn’t seem that far to walk when I came over to make the reservation but I was wearing flats, not high heels.” What we women do in the name of the fashion!

I continued to clutch that lump of lingerie through the outside of my outfit holding on for dear life and prayed to make it to the restaurant’s ladies room, before the wandering garment got away from me and headed south again.

Granny panties suddenly didn’t seem so bad.

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15 Comments

  1. Kitty, that’s hysterical! I can just picture you trying to walk nonchalantly down the street as your panties continued to slide down your legs and you gripping them for dear life!!

  2. I’m a boomer too! And sure do appreciate to know there is fashion out there to enhance me, not age me!! Kudo’s Kitty and your wonderful message and hope for our woredrob malfunction!!!

  3. Happens with men’s briefs too…waistband eventually loosens. Same horrible feeling as they slide down into a clump of uselessness.

  4. Me too! Well, not exactly with bloomers but with elastic on a bathing suit bottom. Let’s just say I went in with a short skirt and came out with a long mermaid tail wrapped around my ankles. The elastic had stretched the fabric to reach the floor! I loved your story about your fashion faux pas.

  5. Love it! Who hasn’t been there at one time or another. My wardrobe malfunction usually happens with panty hose with the same results as your panties :). Try walking with two legs hinged together by panty hose slowly sliding down to your ankles — the look is similar to a penguin walking…..

  6. LOL… I had a friend who found herself in the same situation, but hers slipped to the floor before she could catch it. She just gracefully stepped out of her panties kicking it under a restaurant table as she continued walking out of the place. Those of us behind her saw what took place and fell into hysterics once we got out. I don’t think anyone in the restaurant saw what took place, but we couldn’t help laughing over what the comments would be when the panties were found after the restaurant closed.

  7. Wonderful! Such enjoyable writing Kitty! Keep it ‘up’! 🤗 (pun intended😉). Hope to read more soon……

  8. Hilarious and informational, too! Who knew that crazy gluing a thong to one’s crotch will lead to vigorous and sexy sex – ? Oh, I think I got that backwards, didn’t I!

    I’m heading to Victoria’s Secret to purchase new undies, but not the hardware store to get Crazy Glue!

  9. I have my underwear separated into 3 categories:
    1. Everyday sexy
    2. Cotton fall back
    3. Too sexy, temporary wear only

  10. Oh, Kitty that is so funny! I had a similar situation in the winter. I was wearing silky control top underwear and some fleece tights over them. Little did I know that was not a good combination for running for a flight with suitcase in one hand and a bag in the other…opps. I had to stop frequently to pull up my tights…how embarrassing and difficult with running and having so much to carry. Live and learn….lol!

  11. Very funny! I have had a similar embarrassing experience when I was 13, wearing a bikini and not expecting to go water skiing. Cute guy as the water skiing instructor and so naturally was trying my best, when all of a sudden, crash into the water, and off with my top! That is one way to get attention…..but for that fact that I was so shy and embarrassed, I could not muster a word after!

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