How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

What we like about some of the baby boomers we publish on BoomerCafé is, they’re always on the lookout for something new. To wit (and excuse the pun), Philadelphia humor writer Roz Warren. In a piece that first appeared on Women’s Voices for Change, Roz shares her ideas about How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse or Repel an Irate Library Patron.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who prepare for the upcoming collapse of civilization, or calamitous natural disaster, or zombie apocalypse. And the rest of us.

Roz Warren, writer and literary critic.

Roz Warren, writer and literary critic.

But I do try to hedge my bets. Whenever I see a new book about coping with the worst, I buy it and put it on my Disaster Bookshelf.

Yes, I have an entire shelf devoted to books about emergency survival, including titles like The Special Air Services Survival Handbook, Preparedness Now! and How Not To Die.

I figure that if the world ever starts seriously going to hell, I can consult them.

So when the library where I work added Last-Minute Survival Secrets: 128 Ingenious Tips to Endure the Coming Apocalypse and Other Minor Inconveniences to its collection, I bought myself a copy for The Shelf. Written by humorist Joey Green, author of The Mad Scientist Handbook, it’s packed with quirky Do-It-Yourself tips for coping with everything from a power outage to the total collapse of life as we know it.

“In the wake of a major disaster or calamity,” Green promises, “you’ll … know how to make a radio antenna with a Slinky, revive a dead car battery with aspirin, and start a fire with potato chips.”

book_survivalSkimming through the book before shelving it, I learned a lot. And while there are certain skills I’m unlikely to ever need— such as how to avoid detection from thermal imaging cameras with a space blanket— it‘s good to know that I can now, if necessary, create a functioning emergency toilet from trash bags and Kitty Litter.

And I now know how to defend myself with a ballpoint pen, which is bound to come in handy for library work.

Even better, I can fashion that pen— plus a few other items easily found at the circulation desk— into a dart gun! What a great way to respond to the irate patrons who go ballistic when I tell them they have to pay a fine. (And, of course, when zombies attack the library.)

If anyone gets up in my grill, I can take them out with the nearest Bic! (And if our copy machine breaks, I’ll just fashion a temporary replacement with dishwashing liquid and vanilla extract.)

Here are just a few of the other interesting factoids and tidbits I learned from Green’s book:

  • Vinegar neutralizes the effects of tear gas and pepper spray.
  • Water doesn’t need to be boiled to be safe to drink. Heating it to 150 degrees Fahrenheit for 20 minutes sufficiently pasteurizes it.
  • Pampers can absorb 300 times their weight in water (and other…um…liquids).
  • If you’re unable to wash a minor wound, lick it. Scientists have found that histatin, a small protein in saliva known to kill bacteria, greatly speeds the healing of wounds (which explains why animals lick their wounds).
  • A helmet made from a plastic bucket does not meet the standards of the Consumer Product Safety Commission.
  • In 1985, Space Shuttle astronaut Jeffrey Hoffman became the first person to play with a Slinky in zero gravity.
  • In 2010, Dr. Elena Bodnar created a bra that can be turned into a face mask which protects the wearer from lethal chemical attack.
  • Humans can safely drink water that contains less than 0.5 percent salt. (Seawater contains 3.5 percent salt.)
  • Mosquitoes hate the smell of Vicks VapoRub.
  • Bounce Outdoor Fresh fabric softener repels mosquitoes. (And rodents!)
  • But if you do get bitten? Applying Listerine to mosquito bites will stop the itching.
  • Tabasco Sauce will neutralize the pain of an excruciating toothache.
  • When a 22-year-old gunman shot Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and 18 others outside a Safeway in Tucson, unarmed shoppers took down the gunman with a lawn chair and ballpoint pens when he stopped to reload.
  • You can get rid of skunk odor with Massengill Disposable Douche.

Should disaster ever strike my Philadelphia suburb, you’ll probably find me cowering under the bed. I’ll be the librarian fashioning a Molotov cocktail from tampons.

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2 Comments on "How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse"

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Nancy Petralia
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Fun read. Have to share with our Friends of the Fort Myers Library!

We have an annual event here called–ZombieCom! Frankly, I don’t understand why anyone would want to , but hundreds of people come here in the most dreadful make-up to stagger the street during a night of ghoulish festivities. But just in case they ever get too close to my apartment building, I have a stash of ballpoint pens at the ready.

Roz Warren
Guest

I don’t know what it says about me, Nancy, but I totally get why anyone would want to! Next year, let’s turn up among them, dressed as Bic-pen wielding librarians.

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