We’re all about being active. We’re all about being young. But come on, isn’t there a limit? Boomer humor writer Carrier Slocomb thinks so, and makes no bones about it. His message is, Son, I Don’t Care If My Computer Can Go Much Faster!I love our kids, and I hope they understand me. Too often our children strike me as coming from a different planet than Caroline and me. Here’s why: our kids idolize terabytes the way you and I cherish caffeine. To be frank, I’m getting pretty fed up with their obsession for the speed of light.
Just let me repeat myself for the quadrillionth time: “Son, I don’t care if my computer can go so much faster.” Says he, “But why wouldn’t you?”
Are you hearing me?
Are you annoyed yet?
Being my peer, you already know what I’ll say. After all, it’s no Boomer secret that, at our age, we’re trying to slow things down. Not everything, of course, just certain things that go faster than we ever intended they should.
So here’s my list of zippy, steroid-abusing devices that I’d like to see slowed down:
- Smart phones that handle everything our brightest brains dream up and may soon evolve into Dick Tracy wristwatches or Google in-your-face spectacles. Why? I don’t wish to become a Cyborg.
- The Windows 8 intuitive command system that ignores all previous user steerage rules. Why? Intuition for one can’t possibly be duplicated for another, can it?
- Search engines that, on the strength of two consonants and one vowel, assume which subject I’m researching. Why? Interrupting me is basically rude and I won’t stand for it!
- Cars, calculators, computers, smart-house systems, and gee-whiz home appliances that can out-think and out-perform me. Why? So, what’s my new role, ‘Head of Planned Obsolescence’?
Am I wrong, or is this race to speed us up by one million-million bytes driven by device manufacturers (with smart phones leading the pack)? Should we assume that makers of symbiotic systems, in a panic to keep up, add octane to the fuel mix by shaving nanoseconds off their own performance clocks? Is this international obsession for maximum terabyte speed the result of worldly youth competitiveness?
I’m guessing yes.
So, son, in Boomer terms, what you really want is the 1968 equivalent of a muscle car in your top pocket. You want your devices to be annoyingly fast, loud, and killer perfect. Tell you what, I’ll drop you by the dealership, but don’t ask me to join you, because the old thing I drive still has a lot of life left in it.