“I behold myself womanly.”

What does it mean to be womanly after you’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer? How does a mastectomy, for example, change the way you think of yourself—are you still attractive to others, and more important still, how do you regard yourself?

At various times over the years, my oldest brother will tell me he thinks I’m a “hottie.”

“Me?” I reply. “At my age? Are you nuts?”

Yet it’s his way of saying that despite the surgeries and physical changes, he doesn’t think that my attractiveness is in any way diminished.

He’s a nice guy. Yet I do feel compromised, even though rationally I know this is nonsense.

I’m annoyed by advertising that defines female beauty according to breast size; I’ve felt challenged by the changes to my body; and I am adamant that my worth is greater than my parts.

What most “outsiders” don’t realize is that a mastectomy isn’t just the loss of one or two breasts; oftentimes, the surgery is part of the overall protocol, which might also include radiation, or chemotherapy, and oral medications for years. Then there are the side effects from all the treatments and procedures—hair loss, dry skin, joint pain, insufficient bone density, weight gain, mood changes. In other words, the changes are ongoing, and so is our assessment of our beauty and self.

How much, we ask ourselves over the course of this journey, do looks matter?

Asking a woman how she feels about being womanly is like asking a child how she feels about candy—a response is guaranteed. The issues that attach themselves to this topic depend in part on where you are in dealing with your illness, how old you are, and your own inner strength or personal demons.

Self-image and self-worth become worthy sparring partners in the ongoing debate about what it means to be womanly. In their comments, the women often discuss the (dis)appearance of their breasts, and they respond to and challenge cultural notions about female sexuality and beauty. However, despite their various struggles and concerns, they are unanimous that being alive is being womanly.

Being womanly (Wom”an*ly, adv. In the manner of a woman; with the grace, tenderness, or affection of a woman. adj: befitting or characteristic of a woman, especially a mature woman; “womanly virtues of gentleness and compassion” woman. An adult female person).

This is really hard to define. Everyone has to come to terms with the hand they have been dealt and I guess womanly is like beauty—it is in the eyes of the beholder and I behold myself womanly.

What it all boils down to is the only approval that is necessary in this life is yours.

It disturbs me to see magazines, TV, and other types of ads using women with large breasts in revealing clothing as the way to enhance sales of their products. What does this message send to the public?

And for those of us with children, young or old, how does this shape their value of the female body? I talk with many women with breast cancer, particularly those who have had a mastectomy (single or double), and it really seems to tick them off especially.

Women are more than voluptuous breasts.

Being womanly comes from within—I don’t feel defined by my breasts, or lack of having breasts. Feeling womanly is a state of mind most of the time, but I do recall feeling more compromised in my opinion in this area in the few years following my diagnosis, so I guess our concepts evolve over time. Time can be a great healer.

Ruth Peltason talks about her new book ...

[]