They say that old love is the best love, and that bad love is no love. There are also other things ‘they’ say about love, but all I am discovering is that it is as funny and fickle as it has ever been.

I am the product of two divorces, evidence that love changes and comes back to you … and leaves you again … and maybe comes back. Someone like me can never know if there is such a thing as everlasting love. But I am relearning what anyone would forget during a marriage. It is hard to get to know people, and harder as you get older. So much of what we know about ourselves becomes lost or compressed with age. When you converse with someone you are attracted to, it sort of comes out in an abridged version.

After all, most of us boomers probably have lived two-thirds of our lives already, and why would anyone want the detailed version? However, each person’s past has a direct effect on what a new couple’s future will be. I think it is important to share doubts, misgivings, and desires with a prospective new mate. Now visiting again with ladies who are complete strangers to me, I find I am reluctant to discuss the things that led to my divorces. Yet, some of those discussions are necessary for two important reasons: to be fair and provide information for them to evaluate, and to make clear that it is my intention to avoid any repetition of those things. While I have not found this to be a problem with women I have met, I have found it a problem with myself.

I don’t believe the circumstances of divorce are necessarily common, yet they are seldom unique. How to present one’s self objectively to a new friend of the opposite sex without running up red flags for them? To their abundant credit, I find women more willing to start fresh without lesions than men I have spoken to about this. Still, there is the common belief that a leopard never changes its spots, which means women will consider men on their current merits, but not without a degree of apprehension. I can’t say I blame them.

But how can one ever prove himself? My guess is that in time, fears and apprehensions will dissipate, but men have difficulty with the idea of ‘in time.’ We are notoriously impatient for all things, particularly for a relationship to progress. This comes from the burnt walnuts in our skulls. All of which is a deterrent, and gives us reason to avoid future relationships after failed marriages. But I believe that treating it that way is wrong and is to be discouraged. At our age, everyone has bags, misgivings, and apprehensions about innumerable issues. It is the ability to follow the voices inside that say ‘stop’ and ‘go’ that will determine whether there is love in your future. The problem is filtering those voices from all the other ones.

No one can do it but us.

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I have resisted writing about this part of my personal life, because it’s painful….and some of you might be able to identify and commiserate because your lives have gone the same way. But what I decided was, the pro’s outweigh the con’s. For me…and maybe for you, too.

Last Fall, I ended my second marriage. There were all kinds of reasons, all mine, but mainly, I didn’t want to live with my wife’s baggage any longer. Her daughter’s behavior and how she dealt with it. Her ex-husband’s interference and how I was expected to tolerate it. I had tried to live with all this for almost seven years but there wasn’t enough progress to feel encouraged. I realized that I preferred to be alone rather than be frustrated and aggravated by being together. It got to the point where I was frustrated and aggravated more often than I was happy or content.

My now ex-wife is a wonderful person. I like, respect, and admire her. But I disagreed with those other parts of her life that had nothing to do with how she and I operated together. So, two years ago we split physically, and finalized the deal recently. We still hang out together sporadically.

To get to the point, at my age, I now feel a much stronger sense of mortality. I no longer want to wait as long for things to develop. My desire to compromise and sacrifice is diminished. Other than for my children, I feel I have sacrificed enough in relationships. Of course, it is also a consideration that I have not chosen the best partners, at least not the best partners for me. I am basically a restless person and need frequent mental stimulation. Meaning, I am not necessarily easy to live with.

On the other side of the coin, I am a good listener and am fairly selfless. But my attempts at marriage have been long and unsuccessful. So I decided to leave the institution for good. I no longer worry about being alone because alone does not have to mean lonely, and the stigma is for everyone else to worry about. I have many interests and hobbies, and if I begin to feel lonely, I go where people are. I am rarely disappointed when I’m around people. Often strangers will do or say something to make me laugh or feel good. I tell my daughters that I prefer it this way, and that they should not worry about their Dad being a solitary person.

I always thought that eventually, both of my marriages would change and I would be happier, have more fun, worry less, and be more challenged and inspired by the women with which I chose to spend my life. But it never happened for me, and though I enjoyed living with my recent ex, I did not enjoy living with her skeletons, which surfaced frequently and at inopportune times.

I now believe that I may just be ill-suited to marriage, if for no other reason than that I cannot choose well. But I think that, this late in the game, the development time is too great, the patience required is too much, and the chances for compatibility too slim, to think that I could be with someone the rest of my life. That last part is a key concern, for at my age, the end is much closer than the beginning.

Perhaps I have run out of patience, both with myself and with relationships. Perhaps I want too much; maybe I want too little. But I think I know what is best for me now. I know that you can’t force relationships to be. They either happen or they don’t. But no one can be molded into what another person wants or expects. Realizing that intellectually and accepting it emotionally are two different things.

For all of you who have married and unmarried, realize that life can be good with or without a mate. There is too little time to be unhappy. I am not sure happiness can be made. More now than before, I think it happens and you just have to be receptive to it to have it. Happiness is not a constant, so expecting it from a relationship is unrealistic. However, if it happens for you, you are lucky. I have not shut down or excluded anything, but I am much more passive now concerning relationships. If one happens that works, great. If not, that’s fine too.

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