Here are a few points to consider when you are trying to help someone who is grieving:

1. First and very important: talk about the person who has died. It seems that we never want to mention their name. I know it comes from a desire not to upset someone you care about. However, that approach is misguided because people love to speak the name of the person who has died, and talk about them. To not talk about them as if they never existed is what’s distressing. The conversation may produce tears, but it is often more comforting than acting like the person’s name can never be mentioned again.
2. Ask people how they feel-– I mean really ask. Don’t let them get away with “I’m fine,” because they’re probably not. We are so polite in our society that we don’t want to burden others with our problems. Even when the problems are obvious to all the world. And it’s good to ask again months after the death occurs. In the beginning, people are in shock and the pain sometimes takes months to really start to hit people. By then the world feels you should be “getting over it.” So ask not just when you see someone at work or at a social function. Pick up the phone. When you are afraid to talk or don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving, you end up isolating them by not keeping in touch. Death often is a tragedy, but it is not a contagious disease.
3. It takes an enormous amount of energy to “be strong” or look “normal.” Many who grieve would win Oscars for their performances, looking and acting like they’re just fine so their friends will not be uncomfortable. In actuality they are trying to discover what their new “normal” is and that takes a considerable amount of time. Just because people look good doesn’t mean they feel good. Don’t let the façade fool you. People don’t need the added pressure to put up a good front for others when they are struggling with all the emotional, physical, cognitive, and sometimes behavioral effects of grief. They just need someone to acknowledge that this is a difficult time for them.
4. The clichés that people hear such as “getting on with life” and “getting over it” irritate those who are grieving, as they know that these expressions do not represent the reality. They will not get over it; they will learn to live with it or get used to the new world into which they have been plunged. It is not just the absence of the person they loved but also how that person affected their lives and the loss of future plans and possibly dreams. They will never be the same people they were before, and now is the painful time when they have to start determining what their life will look like without that person in it. So continue to love them as they change and adapt to their new world.
5. I’m sure we have all said to someone at a funeral, “Call if you need anything, I’ll be there.” Well, I bet they didn’t call. The phrase is said with the best of intentions but the grieving don’t know what they need and trying to figure it out would take more energy than they have available. So it would be better if you figure out what your friend needs and just do it! If it is an invitation to go somewhere, don’t be offended if you are turned down. Keep asking. Every day is different and by continuing to ask, you are staying in touch and connecting with someone who is in pain. You are letting him or her know you are there, and you care.

The common theme through these tips is that you have to let the person who is grieving know that you care, that you are trying to understand what life is like for them and you will not abandon them.

People often feel very alone and think they are “going crazy” through this difficult and confusing time. In many aspects of their lives they are off balance. Having a stable friend there, regardless of the reception, will be appreciated.

I know we don’t want people to cry, but sometimes that is what is needed. Hopefully we will learn how to put our words into action.

© 2009 Jane Galbraith

Jane Galbraith, BScN, R.N., is the author of “Baby Boomers Face Grief – Survival and Recovery”. Her book is available through the author directly at jane.galbraith@sympatico.ca or Amazon, or Trafford Publishing. More information about the book can be found at www.trafford.com. Jane conducts information presentations and workshops to organizations on grief and it’s affects on the workplace.

We like to be upbeat … but we also like to be realistic. And realism says, we’re going to start losing the ones we love, if not this year, or even this decade, then the next. How will that affect our jobs, and our performance in the workplace? Jane Galbraith is the author of “Baby Boomers Face Grief — Survival and Recovery.” She has some tips we pass on to you.

The fact that grief remains a hidden issue only compounds the problem and prevents possible solutions. Solutions could help employees, foster increased employee loyalty, and reduce the potential loss of productivity for employers. Sounds like a win-win situation to me!!

As with the rest of our culture, we expect people to “get on with life,” get “closure,” “buck up,” and many more clichés we regularly hear. The lack of understanding in our culture, which includes the workplace, makes this a serious issue to employers.

The Grief Recovery Institute in 2003 estimated the lost productivity in the USA due to the death of a loved one, which will become more common among boomers in the next decade, would be $37.5 billion dollars. The other losses such as divorce, family crisis, pet loss, and financial loss to name a few totaled a yearly $75 billion dollars. Employers – wake up!!!

Companies do not have to spend a lot of money to increase awareness and understanding of grief in their workplaces. Just taking the first steps would start the process of improving a corporate culture for those returning to the workplace after a death of a loved one.

Otherwise, it can cost businesses money, from absenteeism, mistakes being made, lack of concentration, employees leaving employment, workplace injuries, missed deadlines, and irritability. These are not surprising because the effects of grief are felt physically, emotionally, spiritually, and cognitively.

What is obvious about the different ways productivity is affected is that it affects everyone–– no one is immune to these reactions. The effects of grief can equally affect a CEO making decisions concerning major amounts of money to a single construction worker on a site. Both situations can have a negative effect on the bottom line of a business.

Organizations need to address this issue. It should start with Human Resources Managers. But many in this position also find addressing grief a difficult thing to do. The need for information on grief is required for all levels of staff from the front line to the CEO. There is a need for a formal process to disseminate information to other staff when an employee experiences a death in the family. This would ensure all staff receives the same information at the same time.

There are many types of activities that will provide comfort to those grieving. Allowing some staff to attend the funeral is one gesture that will mean a lot to the bereaved. If there is an Employee Assistance Program available to staff, the use of this should be encouraged. Supervisors need to have regular contact with staff for many weeks and months after the death. The inclusion of staff with whom the bereaved staff member works is essential to allow a productive and positive re-entry into the workplace after a death.

People who are grieving need to talk, and hopefully some extra “chatting” will be overlooked when they come back to the workplace. It is positive when people return to work for many reasons. There is a much more positive effect when people return to a workplace that understands this difficult time.

A mistake both supervisors and staff make is to think that these accommodations may have to continue for quite some time at some level. The death of a significant person in your life affects you for a long time. An employee not performing well six months after the death could still be feeling the effects. Supervisors often do not connect these dots and assume there has been a change in work performance. A sad employee can often be interpreted as a bad employee.

For many reasons, companies need to make changes to their corporate culture that will help their employees and minimize the loss of productivity they most definitely will feel.

© 2008 Jane Galbraith. Jane Galbraith, BScN, R.N., is the author of “Baby Boomers Face Grief – Survival andRecovery”. Her book is available through the author directly at jane.galbraith@sympatico.ca or Amazon, or Trafford Publishing. More information about the book can be found at www.trafford.com/05-2319 . Jane conducts information presentations and workshops to organizations on grief and it’s affects on the workplace.

As the holiday season gets underway, the Co-Founders of BoomerCafé wish you and your families a wonderful holiday season. And, we realize that for some people, the holidays are difficult and painful, and we share this article by Jane Galbraith, author of “Baby Boomers Face Grief: Survival and Recovery.”

Grief causes physical and emotional pain. Baby Boomers have come to expect instant pain relief in this fast paced society. Unfortunately Baby Boomers will be facing this chapter in their lives in a culture that does not give grief the respect or validation it deserves. Grief is an emotion that our society does not want to discuss. It has become an “off limits” subject in our culture.

The holidays create even more pain to those who are suffering grief from the death of a loved one. It is a painful reminder of those who are no longer in our lives on a daily basis. What should be a festive and happy time does not feel like it for the grief stricken.

Any approaching holiday can cause problems many weeks before the actual day. It is painfully obvious the day (especially if it the first holiday since the death) will not be the same this year as it has been in the past. Often recalling how things were the last holiday you were together is constantly on your mind.

We have inherited the “stiff upper lip” of our parent’s generation and have also been inundated with expressions such as “get on with life” and “closure” and “getting back to normal”. None of these expressions or attitudes helps the grief stricken especially during a holiday season.

There is an enormous amount of pressure to act “normal” during these holiday times. This seems like an insurmountable task at this time. It is exhausting.

Here are some things that can help you get through these difficult situations:

1. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. If journaling or using a support group or special person that helps – make sure you take advantage of them during holiday times.
2. Keep up any traditions that the deceased person started and you can continue – it helps you feel you are honouring the deceased.
3. Also try to establish new traditions that make you and your family feel good about the holiday or include activities you enjoy.
4. Talk about your loved one with friends and family and encourage them to share favorite stories with you.
5. Take care of yourself during this stressful time. Anything that makes you feel better should be done. This could be a long walk, massage, listening to music and getting enough sleep.

Holidays are a difficult time but there are ways to get through them without hiding from the pain. Even though the holiday may not be as celebratory as last year, the day passes and you do survive!!!

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Jane Galbraith, BScN, R.N., is the author of “Baby Boomers Face Grief – Survival and Recovery”. Her work in the community health field included dealing with palliative clients and their bereaved families and has also assisted facilitating grief support groups. She speaks to many organizations about the subject.

Her book is available through the author directly at jane.galbraith@sympatico.ca or www.amazon.ca. More information about the book can be found at www.trafford.com/05-2319.

© 2008 Jane Galbraith

Baby Boomers are in for a shock!!! We may think that we are prepared for the sadness that will accompany our parents’ death, if we haven’t suffered through it already. In fact we are usually totally unprepared for this life experience. To lose the people in your life who have always been there and known you best is a life-altering event.

I was sure that I understood the pain that would accompany the death of my mother. Professionally I was a nurse and involved in palliative care and bereavement counselling, so I was sure that I was prepared. I sure was wrong!!

I quickly realized that the experience could only be described as a total assault on my being. I became concerned about my friends who had not yet experienced this pain.

Our generation has had an enormous impact on many of our cultural and societal norms. How we handle the deaths of our parents will be no exception. Baby Boomers have had many advantages compared with previous generations but although we lived through the war in Vietnam, we really have limited experience with the consequences of events like world war and economic depression.

Grief causes physical and emotional pain. Baby Boomers have come to expect instant pain relief in this fast paced society.

Unfortunately Baby Boomers face this chapter in our lives in a culture that no longer gives grief the respect or validation it deserves. Grief is an emotion that society doesn’t want to discuss. It has become “off limits.”

Finding someone to listen to you again and again is a key element to get through this difficult time. It can be a friend or a counsellor – it really doesn’t matter. Talking about our feelings is key to coming to terms with our grief.

We have inherited the “stiff upper lip” of our parents’ generation and have been inundated with expressions like “get on with life” and “closure” and “getting back to normal.” None of these attitudes or expressions helps us when we’re stricken with grief.

Losing a parent is a significant loss that is difficult to describe to someone who hasn’t yet experienced it. The expectation of those around us to get “back to normal” takes an incredible amount of energy. It can be exhausting.

People don’t want to see others in pain. That’s why we sometimes try to rush them through a process that cannot be rushed; it must follow its own pace. It requires time that our culture finds difficult to give.

We will never be the same after this life experience but will eventually develop a new “normal” and learn to live in a world without our loved ones. But you’ll experience waves of grief even months later when you least expect it. It is part of the natural cycle of life. It takes time and patience from those who are close to us.

Hopefully the sheer numbers of Baby Boomers experiencing this life event will change the way our culture handles grief. It is not well understood. Without that understanding, it becomes harder to navigate through this inevitable and disturbing experience of death.

There are positive elements in the grief process. As you go through it, you can find that your priorities are different than before, and that there is an appreciation of life that perhaps wasn’t there in the past. Hopefully many Baby Boomers will experience some of these positive changes in their lives, and help to change the way our culture handles grief.

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Jane Galbraith”s book is available through the author directly at jane.galbraith@sympatico.ca or directly from Amazon.com. More information about the book can be found at www.boomergrief.blogspot.com.