A few months ago, a national magazine asked me to help locate regular people in their 50s and 60s who are now living exciting, adventurous, even exotic lives. I sent an email to 75 contacts asking for recommendations. The response was overwhelming. As it turns out, there are lots of boomers living the best years of their lives now. Their stories are invigorating examples of how some people are using this period in their lives to fulfill long held yearnings, desires, and plans. In this first installment of a new series, I hope you’ll find inspiration from the people who are doing what they have always wanted to do.

Gloria Hicks

Gloria Hicks spent the first 43 years of her life letting everything run its course. She was a highly regarded operating room nurse with great job security. She enjoyed her work, but her opportunities were limited because she didn’t have a bachelor’s degree. Her job was also her set of golden handcuffs. So, would it make sense to give up a secure and meaningful career for the vague notion of new opportunities? Many people would have been satisfied with what she already had. Why risk what others would envy?

Quite simply, Gloria felt that she could do more with her life than what she was doing. Departing from her risk-averse past, she enrolled in college while continuing to work full time. She was immediately enthralled with her new learning. Aside from her course work, she discovered that taking risks improved the quality of her life. “What truly changed for me was that I began seeing what I can do instead of what I can’t do.” Filled with momentum, she completed her undergraduate degree and continued on to complete her master’s. By the time Gloria was 50, she transformed from being a top operating room nurse with few options to being the manager of the Surgical Skills Lab for medical school residents at a prestigious teaching hospital while also teaching OR nursing at a nearby university. All the while, she continues as an OR nurse once a week “to keep my skills fresh.” This is a remarkable story of risk and reward, but it is not why I am writing about Gloria.

Not long ago, a close friend of hers had a profound impact when he shared some valuable advice: “Once you have a skill, it is nothing until you give it to others.” To Gloria, that served as a challenge to share her talents with those in need. Now 55, Gloria has learned that challenges energize her, and it is this knowledge that is making these the best years of her life.

So Gloria took on the challenge of giving her skills to benefit those in need and, with a friend, volunteered with an organization that sends medical teams to remote parts of Peru to provide services that have never before been available there. Her experience was so positive that she has built these trips into her schedule and recruited others to join her.

At the same time though, it was in Peru that Gloria faced her greatest challenge.

On a recent trip, she was on a small passenger plane when tragedy struck and an infant died. Gloria and a friend administered CPR but due to the language barrier and without medical supplies, they were unable to provide the specialized emergency care needed. When Gloria returned home, she went into seclusion for almost three weeks. She was shattered by the experience and wondered if she could ever return to Peru.

But Gloria is not the type of person who gives up.

Gloria realized that she did not want give in to her sorrow. She changed the question she had been unable to answer, “How can I return to Peru if I could not save that child?’ to “What can I do so that when I return to Peru, I will be confident that I have what I need to do the job?’ Gloria regained control of her life from the tragedy that hijacked it. She did what she had been doing for the past ten years and focused on what she needed to do: “I just know that I need to move forward and do what I can, when I can, with who I am.” While never forgetting the tragedy, she is using it to inspire new learning. She knows that learning, combined with some risk, creates many new opportunities to live a wonderful life.

Gloria didn’t know that she always wanted Peru but when she got it, she was inspired and thankful.

If you have a story about yourself or a friend that highlights how someone 50 or older is making these the best years of their life, send a brief description (about 250 words) to: stories@beyondwork.net. I cannot guarantee that your story will be used, but all will be considered.

Dr. Bill Roiter

The holiday ads are gone, replaced for most of us baby boomers by weight loss, gym, and fitness equipment ads. It’s the season of resolutions and healthy intentions… the season of exercise, a better diet, and a willingness to sacrifice. I hope that you can follow through on your plans, just as I hope I can. I expect to succeed, but I already am battling a growing craving for chocolate ice cream.

Here’s a tip on how to dramatically increase your health that does not involve exercise, diet change, or even much sacrifice: work with a good doctor by being a good patient. I recall a Seinfeld episode where Elaine goes to her doctor for an annoyingly itchy rash. While there, she sees in her chart that she is labeled as a ‘difficult’ patient. She soon learns that her chart follows her to every doctor she sees, and they basically dismiss her. While Elaine’s experience may have been exaggerated for comic effect, there is a kernel of truth there. A good doctor works best with a good patient.

Of course, doctors do not use the term ‘bad patient,’ instead considering them ‘non-compliant’ patients. The American Pharmacists Association estimates that over 10% of hospital admissions, almost half of nursing home admissions, and about 125,000 deaths a year are due to noncompliance with prescribed medication regimens. And that is only for problems with medication.

Good doctors can do only as well as their patients allow. You can invest time and energy into finding a good doctor only to learn that you are not a good patient.

So how can you tell if you’re a good patient? A 2006 issue of the New England Journal of Medicine carried an article by Dr. Robert Steinbrook about personal responsibility for health. It included this passage on what makes a good patient:

The concept of personal responsibility in health care is that if we [the patient] follow healthy lifestyles (exercising, maintaining a healthy weight, and not smoking) and are good patients (keeping our appointments, heeding our physicians’ advice, and using a hospital emergency department only for emergencies), we will be rewarded by feeling better and spending less money.

Note that in Dr. Steinbrook’s brief description of the patient’s responsibility for his or her health care, there is no mention of always agreeing with the doctor or passively accepting recommendations. A good patient is engaged with his or her doctor, agreeing with what makes sense and questioning what appears odd or counterproductive. In fact, I consider a bit of doubt to be a healthy thing. Maintaining personal responsibility and following through on treatment plans are part of being a good patient. Just as you want a good doctor with a good “bedside manner,” the doctor wants a patient with good patient manners. In an article titled How to Talk with Your Doctor , the AARP provides information on what people can do to hold up their end of the doctor-patient relationship.

Your relationship with your doctor, including how well you talk with each other, affects your care. A good relationship—where you and your doctor share information and work together to make the best decisions about your health—will result in the best care. You’ll also feel more confident in your doctor and the quality of care you’re getting.

Patient non-compliance is no small issue, and the health care reform debate has publicized the costs associated with patients who do not follow treatment plans. The greatest cost is to you, though: the less you comply with your doctor’s orders, the more your health will suffer. If you think that you may be a somewhat non-compliant patient, then you are responsible for improving your compliance and your health prospects. Here are some ideas:

If you trust your doctor, you should talk with him or her about your inability or unwillingness to comply. Be honest, and start the discussion with:

• “I don’t understand what you want me to do” or “I am not sure that it will help”
• “I can’t afford the meds” or “I don’t like this medication”
• “I forget what you told me to do”
• “I find it hard to change the way I live”
• “I don’t believe what you want me to do will help me”

If you do not trust your doctor, find a better one. My wife’s 90 year-old father needed hand surgery, but his doctor at best was uncaring and at worst incompetent. They dismissed him and found a wonderful doctor who cared for him and healed him.

So for the new year, resolve to exercise, eat well, and be one of your good doctor’s good patients!

Dr. Bill Roiter

It’s 1965. I’m 15 and getting my first kiss from my first girlfriend. WOW! Now I’m a man! I am also generally happy, although often angst-ridden, and so clueless that I believe I have conquered my world. This sweet memory is so strong that I can almost smell my girlfriend’s overpowering Shalimar perfume. All I have to do to recall this memory is hear The Lovin’ Spoonful play “Do You Believe in Magic” and I am right there.

We all have those special songs that tie us to memories we have tucked away in our 50-plus year-old brains. And that’s good, because familiar music triggers memories of the past. This link to positive (and sometimes negative) memories is so strong that advertisers use it to connect our memories— the fond ones— to their products. I expect that you think of ketchup when you hear Carly Simon sing “Anticipation, Anticipation is making me late, is keeping me waiting” (1971). What comes to mind when you hear Marvin Gaye’s “I Heard it Through the Grapevine” (1968)?

It turns out that these music memories can improve brain function. Caregivers have observed that Alzheimer’s patients who do not even recognize family members recall the lyrics of songs when they’re played. Mute patients may even sing along until the song ends and then revert to silence again. These observations have spawned much research and also a foundation that focuses on this area — The Institute for Music and Neurologic Function. >

What does this mean for those of us with generally healthy 50+ year-old brains? When we stimulate our brains with familiar music, we put them to work. Memories do not reside in one place in the brain; parts of them are stashed away all over the place.

Remember my Shalimar perfume memory? Scent is stored in one part of the brain while the Lovin’ Spoonful’s voices are kept elsewhere. This past February, Petr Janata of UC Davis published an article in the Cerebral Cortex Journal, “The Neural Architecture of Music-Evoked Autobiographical Memories,” and reported that “hearing a familiar song resulted in the activation of several structures that have been implicated in a variety of sequencing tasks and music studies.” In simpler terms, music makes your brain dance.

Could it be that my apparent unimaginative selection of memory music is not a sign of premature old age but rather an exercise for my mind? I haven’t found research suggesting that listening to Sonny and Cher sing “I Got You Babe” strengthens my brain and expands my mind, but I like to believe that it does.

So maybe it’s helpful to give you a Top Ten list from 1965:

1. (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction / Rolling Stones
2. Yesterday / Beatles
3. Turn! Turn! Turn! / Byrds
4. I Got You Babe / Sonny & Cher
5. Help! / Beatles
6. Mrs. Brown You’ve Got A Lovely Daughter / Herman’s Hermits
7. You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ / Righteous Brothers
8. Downtown / Petula Clark
9. I Can’t Help Myself / Four Tops
10. Help Me Rhonda / Beach Boys

What songs evoke your pleasant memories? Enjoying the music you know exercises the brain, as does making new memories with new music. So, “Keep On Dancing” (that’s The Gentrys, 1965!).

Check out Bill Roiter’s book, “Beyond Work.” Click here.

Dr. Bill Roiter

Want to do the dishes or maybe wash the car? Most of us men know that some women are turned on when their men do housework, and a study published in an October online issue of Journal of Family confirms this. Dad doing the dishes or vacuuming the living room can give Mom that warm tingling feeling that Dad enjoys so much. A client once told me that he and his wife could get each other going while folding laundry— especially warm sheets. In the mood yet? It seems that knowing what Mom wants and then giving it to her without having to ask builds trust, intimacy, and sexual attraction.

The willingness of a man to take part in the maintenance of the home warms women’s hearts. It enhances feelings of commitment, respect, and pride. What was a surprising finding in this research is that the same is true for men.

One of the interesting findings reported in Gager and Yabiku’s article, “Who Has the Time? The Relationship Between Household Labor Time and Sexual Frequency” shows that spouses who spend more hours on household labor report more frequent sex than those who devote less time to household labor. A clear case of equality of the sexes.

Not so surprising is that the partners who enjoy sex with each other tend to have sex more frequently. As we boomers know from experience and from TV news ads, being able to get “in the mood” may not be as reliable as 20 or even 10 years ago. My clients who report a satisfying to a very satisfying sex life have broadened their definition of what is “good sex” to include more than simply intercourse. They do this by knowing what their partner likes and give it without being asked. They use their years of experience with each other to their advantage.

Gager and Yabiku go on to hypothesize that over the years, we may have over-inflated the differences between men and woman to support the rigid social roles we knew as children. We may have been overestimating the differences between men and women when it comes to both the value of household chores and the desire for sex.
Boomers have been challenging sex role stereotyping since the early 1970s and it has had the effect of liberating woman from their circumscribed roles… and it has done the same for men. If you’ve been married for more than 10 years, you probably have created a set of responsibilities and preferences that work for you both. This choice was not readily available to our parents but, thankfully, it is a choice our children have. Men now can openly appreciate and contribute to the trust, intimacy, and sexual attraction of a warm and clean home without challenging their manhood.

So, doing the laundry or cooking dinner may seem to be an odd romantic prelude to sex, but if you give him or her what he or she wants, you just may soon have a smile on your face.

Check out Bill Roiter’s book, “Beyond Work.” Click here.

Dr. Bill Roiter

The leading edge of baby boomers are there: retirement! And that means — today’s economy notwithstanding — the rest of us can’t be far behind. So what does it take to be happy in retirement? Planning. Dr. Bill Roiter explains why.

A recent Wall Street Journal article describes a study released by the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index. The study surveyed more than 100,000 working people on how their jobs affect their happiness. The study’s key result brought to mind a simple yet very powerful concept that we all know but tend to forget: The freer we are to make choices, the happier we are.

Think about why we baby boomers are so concerned about our future retirement finances. First, we want the security that money can bring. Second, we understand that the more money we have, the more choices we have. On the other hand, we also know that money does not always lead to happiness. But, it does make it more available. So, it’s not the money itself, but the quality of our choices that increases our happiness quotient. We have all heard the stories of the lottery winners who, despite their newfound wealth, say that they are not any happier than they used to be, or are even unhappier. How can this possibly be? Poor choices create as much unhappiness as too few choices.

Take Control

Happiness in life is the goal for most of us, especially with retirement not too far around the corner. Everyone’s happiness comes from their own set of needs and desires. My wife is happy walking and I am happy reading. We each choose our own way of getting to happiness. Happiness increases when we are in control of our life, our time, and our choices. It declines when we lose control of our work, our health, and our personal life. We can increase our feeling of control by getting the most from the choices we make. If you feel like you have little control of your life, you can get on the road to happiness by paying attention to the choices you make and focus on making them good. Every week identify another decision you can control and make a good one. Each time you do this, you’ll experience the addictive feeling of being in control. This is a close cousin to happiness.

Now, recognize when you feel happy. Take some time to enjoy it and remember what it feels like so that you’ll be able to recognize it again. It’s easy for us to notice when we feel unhappy, grouchy, or just plain miserable; most people can make daily lists of the trouble they see. If we don’t take the time to notice happiness, though, it can easily slip away and we lose the positive effect.

Want to be Happy?

Learn to make good choices.
Take control of your life by constantly increasing your ability to decide what to do.
Notice the choices you make as you make them.
Notice when you are happy and what happiness feels like to you.

Finally, learn to be happy and to accept that the happiness will go away. The happiest people enjoy the happiness they have, understanding that it’s temporary, and knowing that the feeling will return.

Check out Bill Roiter’s book, “Beyond Work.” Click here.

Dr. Bill Roiter

With the leading edge of our generation looking at retirement, the question becomes, what will you do with it? Retirement coach Dr. Bill Roiter says if you stay on the path you’re on, simply adding more leisure time to your day, you’re missing something. How to find new uses of your time? Daydream.

Do you ever find yourself wasting time by daydreaming? You need to get something done but your mind seems to wander off and you get upset with yourself for not towing the line. How can you be so undisciplined, unfocused, and even just plain lazy? The opposite is actually the truth. Recent scientific research on brain functioning supports what many of us hoped was true: daydreaming is an essential part of problem solving and creativity.

My thinking about daydreaming was sparked by a June 19th Wall Street Journal article by Robert Lee Hotz, “A Wandering Mind Heads Straight Toward Insight.” The article describes the recent research on brain functioning and the value of daydreaming. As an inveterate daydreamer, I was pleased but not surprised by the article’s conclusions.

We live in America where anything is possible if you just put your mind to it. Think, focus, work hard, and you will succeed. This analytic process works very well but it only uses half the power of the brain. Logical analysis propels the brain forward while flashes of insight turbocharge your analytical thinking to create new and often unexpected ideas. The best way to spark these flashes is to daydream.

When we daydream, we free our thinking of logical limits to allow knowledge, experiences, and ideas to essentially float freely in our mind and mingle with each other in a way that our logical mind cannot handle. Sometimes this undisciplined mingling creates that flash, that ‘aha’ moment. Aristotle had his eureka moment in a bathtub and Newton had his in an apple orchard. Where was yours?

As we retire, we leave behind the familiar life of structure and pre-determined schedules and enter a life where we are responsible for setting up our priorities and plans. Many of my retirement coaching clients are successful men and women who have honed their analytical thinking through the years. Most have a short list of what they want to do: visit Europe, ski, read, see the kids, volunteer, or whatever else tickles their minds. These are good activities, but part of my work is to get them to open their thinking beyond what they want.

At the beginning of the coaching, I ask them to make a list of what they will need and want as they move beyond work. I ask them to think broadly and to include all thoughts, realistic or not. I also tell them I want at least ten ideas and that fifteen to twenty would be great. They respond to the challenge. To meet it, they eventually must get past their logical ideas about wealth and health and include their dreams. If not now, when? I suggest that they daydream to help them add to their list. You can try this yourself and create your own list of what you need and want going forward.

One last thought: as we age, our brains become less elastic and our minds are filled with rules created through years of experience, both of which limits our thinking. We exercise our brains and open our minds when we daydream. So kick back, relax, and let your mind wander and wonder. It’s good for you!

Dr. Bill Roiter

I recently read an article that looked at the “best places to retire.” What that really means is, the best places to live. “Best places to live” lists usually suggest several criteria for narrowing your choices, including affordable vs. cosmopolitan, cultured vs. simple, warm vs. cold, active sports (golf, hiking, tennis, etc.) vs. spectator sports (professional and collegiate teams), Democrat vs. Republican, etc. All are valuable ways to narrow your choices if you already know what you want over the next ten to twenty-plus years. The question, however, remains: Do you know?

After reading through the article, I thought about how it related to my own clients. Some have the means and the desire to make a retirement move. But most do not actually have plans to move elsewhere. Which I’ve come to realize, is a decision in and of itself.

Have you given this some thought? What is best place for you to live and why? Is it today’s home, or somewhere else?

The two predominant factors used by my clients who decide to move are, 1) they want to be closer to family and friends, and/or 2) they want to return to a place they have been and knew they liked. In other words, they are moving to place of importance to them. One client had lived her entire life in the Northeast, except for three years in Austin, Texas, for graduate school. She moved to Austin soon after leaving work.

Do you know what is important to you about the place where you’ll live once you’re retired? Most of the people I work with know they want to be secure and happy but have a difficult time describing what that means to them. So, here are four questions you can use to decide on the best place to live, whether you ultimately move there, or decide to stay put:

1. What location will give you the greatest financial security? Anyway, moving can be an expensive proposition; do you know what the costs are? Create a detailed budget including moving expenses, all of your current expenses, and what your projected expenses will be at the new location. Many people cringe at the thought of doing a budget and either do not do one or do it poorly. But it’s important, so find an example budget online (click here for a budget tool from CNN ) or get help from a financial planner. Also, visit the potential new location and find out how the actual costs match up with your current costs.
2. What are your healthcare needs? Will your new home town have what you need and will need to keep you healthy? This includes both living well while you’re healthy and the availability of quality healthcare when that time comes.
3. Will the new place support the social life you want? This is why so many people stay where they are, or choose their new home: to be close to family and friends. If your new home is in a place where you don’t have any connections, are there ample means to socialize, such as with civic organizations, volunteer opportunities, or clubs to join?
4. What is meaningful to you? One client chose to move to Montana to live near a river renowned for fly fishing, a couple moved from New York City to Pittsburgh to be near their two grandchildren. Another chose to stay in Louisiana to do more with her church.

The great retirement opportunity is the potential to live a secure, healthy, enjoyable, and meaningful life. We haven’t had the opportunity to live life as we choose since our early 20s. Now we can use our thirty-plus years of experience as a benefit, helping us decide how to live.

No doubt about it, these are very tough times. You are in the minority if your retirement finances have not taken a twenty percent hit. How can you think about retiring when you watch your financial security drain away? Working longer and harder than we had planned is a very real possibility. We are being forced to re-consider retirement. Putting off a planned retirement is likely, and this a bitter pill to swallow. When we equate retirement with not working, not retiring is the only option we have. The truth is, though, that you can retire even while you are working.

The act of retiring, of stopping work, is but one of many events that occur as we enter our late 50s and early 60s. During this period, our forty-year focus on work success gives way to a greater emphasis on our financial, physical, social, and personal well-being. Think back to your early 20s, the time you became a young adult. Taking a job and/or raising a family were some of many adult actions you took. Dating and marriage, experimenting with interests and hobbies, finding a place to live, managing your own money, and taking responsibility for yourself were the challenges and opportunities of the time. Forty years later you are again making decisions about your work and finances, and for your social and personal life. As work was one piece of our early adult growth, so it is again today as we enter this new chapter of adulthood.

Whether you retire from work or decide to keep working, you continue to grow, into your 50s, 60s, and beyond. You can work while also taking on the challenges and opportunities of the retired adult, or as I prefer, the ‘new adult.’ New adults grow past career ambition and focus on personal satisfaction and meaning. This new time of life is not defined only by your work life.

If you know how, you can begin your “retirement” now, even as you work.

Over the past five years, I have found that six out of ten of my pre-retirement clients think that they may work, for money, after they retire. Generally about four out of ten people do continue to work after they formally retire. This is especially true for professionals (doctors, lawyers, accountants, professors) and for business owners who retire by working less and living more. People leaving corporate and government types of jobs tend to look for enjoyable activities – which can include work – after they leave their employer. The ‘retired’ people who work for money are great examples of how you can work and still move ahead. So take heart: although you may have to work, you can continue to build your new adult life.

Transitioning from the forty or so years as a career-focused adult to a new adult begins with a clear shifting of priorities. A man I interviewed for my book Beyond Work (Wiley 2008) described this change as “putting myself in the forefront, in the place work used to be.”

I recently talked with Joe, a 62-year-old supervisor at a manufacturing company, who has seen layoffs occur all around him while his 401(k) is a third less than it was a year ago. He and his wife Amy had planned to retire from their jobs in about six months. Retiring fully is no longer an option, yet they will continue with their plans as much as they are able. He has been happily involved with his town’s Little League since his oldest son joined 32 years ago. He had been asked to take on the lead role once he retired. While he will not have as much time to devote to the league as he would have if he was not working, he still plans to be a great leader, especially now that his oldest grandson is joining the league. Amy will also keep her job at a doctor’s office and will pursue her retirement travel planning, although in a scaled down way. Joe and Amy’s plans have had to change but they have not packed them away for good.

Their lesson is one that can teach all of us. Part of retiring, of becoming a new adult, is a new focus on finding personal fulfillment from life outside of work. Both Joe and Amy have moved beyond career ambitions. For them, that part of life is complete and professionally they have accomplished most of their goals. Now, Little League and traveling are the activities on which they want to spend more time and gain more energy. While financially they are not able to dedicate themselves fully to those things, emotionally they make up a greater part of their lives.

Our finances are one of four challenges and opportunities we encounter as we become new adults. If your finances are compromised, focus on building your physical, social, and personal well-being. A successful retirement depends it.

What to do about retirement when your finances require you to work? Most importantly, you do what you must do and work. Also, talk with a good financial advisor at least once to get an objective view of your situation and what you need to do. And, use this time to strengthen your physical, social, and personal life. Start concentrating on your passions. Now is the time to do more of what you can do and worry less about what you cannot do.

You can continue to work as you ease into your retirement so long as you focus on other things important and meaningful to you. Confidence is your key to success. Confidence is an attitude, and if you know where to focus your energy, you can improve it. I invite you to take the 20-item version of Retirement Confidence Profile at www.beyondwork.net to learn where your retirement confidence is strong and where it is weak. You can then choose one or two areas you could improve. The more you improve, the better your life will be as a new adult, even during these trying times.

Bill Roiter, Copyright 2009. Used by permission of the author.

Bill Roiter’s new book, Beyond Work, is available at Amazon.com.