A boomer bemoans The Discount-That-Must-Not-Be-Named!

Hey, we boomers aren’t all that old! You know it. We know it. But Perry Block of Havertown, Pennsylvania? When he goes to his supermarket, he has a hard time remembering it. Why? Because of The Discount-That-Must-Not-Be-Named!

Not long ago, my local Super Fresh Market began providing discounts on Tuesdays to a particular class of shoppers. You know who I mean.

Perry Block

Perry Block

It is that class of shoppers commonly referred to by a particular word that I strongly dislike and in fact eschew. But considering the nature of the discount, if the eschew fits, I decided to wear it. So I screwed up my courage, swallowed my pride, decided not to come up with a third sexually based metaphor, and went food shopping.

That is, food shopping on Tuesday at Super Fresh, to avail myself of The Discount-That-Must-Not-Be-Named!

When I arrived, Super Fresh was already awash in polyester, plaid, and a profusion of blue and gray hair as if a massive ballpoint pen had exploded in the skies over London. Everywhere I looked were members of the Greatest and slightly post-Greatest Generation.

So naturally, I began humming “Sugar Magnolia” by the Grateful Dead. You see, there’s nothing like humming 40-year-old rock music to prove conclusively to one and all in a Super Fresh that I AM YOUNG, GODAMMIT, I AM NOT LIKE YOU!”

super_fresh_interior

I steered my cart carefully through the Super Fresh aisles, checking prices, picking out the products I needed, and gradually shifting the music over into the Rolling Stones. In Aisle 8, I paused to ask a youngish store employee some directions.

“Mustard? That’s Aisle 14, sir,” he said.

“Thank you very much,” I replied.

“And it’s on sale too,” he added. “That plus the extra discount for seni . . .”

OMG, shut up! I hustled myself and my rickety cart out of hearing range fast as I could. Did he not hear what I was humming? Maybe I needed not to hum, but to actually sing the lyrics?

“. . . but if you try some time, you just might find, you just might find. . .”

Well, what I just might find was myself in Aisle 14, looking for the mustard. But coming down the aisle in the opposite direction was a leathery-looking gent whose posture practically bade you to stick a saddle on him and ride him to the nearest glue factory.

superfreshI looked away. I sang louder. It didn’t matter.

“Hello, friend,” he greeted me cheerily. “Didja know folks like us get an extra five-percent off here at Super Fresh?”

Oh no! Did he view me as a new recruit? Did he intend to take me under his wing?

“You see,” he went on, “you take this coupon and you hand it in when you check out your groceries. See, it says right here. ‘Discount for seni. . . .'”

OMG, not again! I did me some wheelies and ran to the checkout counter fast as my wobbly cart would take me. Now I segued back into the Dead, giving forth almost as if I were in concert:

“Drivin’ that train, high on cocaine, Casey Jones…”

The checkout guy, about 25, eyed me suspiciously as he began to total up my items.

“That’s $87.58, sir,” he said.

“Did you give me The Seni . . .umm . . . Discount-That-Must-Not-Be-Named?”

super-fresh-foods-checkout“Oh, sure, don’t worry, sir. I put the senior citizen discount right in.”

He had said it. It hurt bad!

“Don’t you want to ask me something?” I said to him. “Verify something? Assure yourself of something?”

“No, you’re good, sir.”

“But shouldn’t you card me? Make sure I’m the right age to get The-Discount-That-Must-Not-Be-Named?”

“That’s hardly necessary, sir.”

Card me, you fool! Please card me!

But it was too late. Now I was no longer singing “Casey Jones.” Nor was I singing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” “Sugar Magnolia,” or anything by the Grateful Dead, Rolling Stones, or any other rock group of the Boomer era at all.

I was singing “Strangers in the night, exchanging glances, wondering in the night…”

The Discount-That-Must-Not-Be-Named had won.

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10 Comments on "A boomer bemoans The Discount-That-Must-Not-Be-Named!"

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Roz Warren
Guest

Thanks for a good laugh.

Eric Mondschein
Guest

You had me laughing out loud as I read your post. As the saying goes: Thanks I needed that!
Now truth be told, when I go the movies I always say, “let me have a ticket for such and such and I do get the old farts discount, I went through a lot to earn it.” Thanks again Perry, you brightened up my day.

we marden
Guest

A very funny, painfully true column. Probably the most painful moment is when you buy beer or wine at a grocery store and nobody thinks to ask you for ID. But, on the other hand, I keep telling myself that there are seniors…and there are seniors. And I know which group I belong to.

Mary Anne Hahn
Guest

Fun read! And I will never think about swallowing my pride in the same way again!

Michael
Guest
First time this happened to me was quite recently … just a few months ago, actually. Ordering lunch at a fast food joint, the person behind the counter totaled my tab, then looked me straight in the face and changed the total owed, while telling me, “Oh wait. Sorry, sir. I forgot to give you the discount.” I genuinely had no idea what she meant, until I sat down at the table and examined my receipt. There, printed on the receipt were the words: Senior Discount. WTF! It really felt weird. I felt like returning to the counter and telling… Read more »
Perry Block
Guest

Roz, Eric, We, Mary Anne, and Michael,

Thank you all. Here’s hoping that all your discounts from now on are “Boomer Disconts,” and not the “Discount-That-Must-Not-Be-Named.”

Perry

Julie
Guest
Oh, don’t you know it. Yes, of course I know how old I am. In fact, the saving grace to this birthday will be that – in Hungary, people over 65 are able to use public transportation free of charge. But still, I don’t think of myself as a senior citizen and by golly I surely don’t like to be referred to as one. So we play – and sometimes it is called ‘let’s pretend’ 🙂 After all wasn’t it us who decided that age was important only if you were a wine or cheese?
Perry Block
Guest

Thanks for writing, Julie. Remember we are not seniors, we are boomers. Make sure to tell that to the conductor when you receive the “free pass that must not be named.” Andl you’re right, we are not wine or cheese, we are probably older.

blogqueendiane
Guest

Your blog post made me laugh! I always whisper when I ask for the discount-that-must-not-be-named. And the other day when I oh-so-softly asked for it and the clerk said “you don’t look like a senior” I wanted to kiss her!

Perry Block
Guest

I want to kiss her too. Where is that store?

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