Household Sex
Dr. Bill Roiter
Want to do the dishes or maybe wash the car? Most of us men know that some women are turned on when their men do housework, and a study published in an October online issue of Journal of Family confirms this. Dad doing the dishes or vacuuming the living room can give Mom that warm tingling feeling that Dad enjoys so much. A client once told me that he and his wife could get each other going while folding laundry— especially warm sheets. In the mood yet? It seems that knowing what Mom wants and then giving it to her without having to ask builds trust, intimacy, and sexual attraction.
The willingness of a man to take part in the maintenance of the home warms women’s hearts. It enhances feelings of commitment, respect, and pride. What was a surprising finding in this research is that the same is true for men.
One of the interesting findings reported in Gager and Yabiku’s article, “Who Has the Time? The Relationship Between Household Labor Time and Sexual Frequency” shows that spouses who spend more hours on household labor report more frequent sex than those who devote less time to household labor. A clear case of equality of the sexes.
Not so surprising is that the partners who enjoy sex with each other tend to have sex more frequently. As we boomers know from experience and from TV news ads, being able to get “in the mood” may not be as reliable as 20 or even 10 years ago. My clients who report a satisfying to a very satisfying sex life have broadened their definition of what is “good sex” to include more than simply intercourse. They do this by knowing what their partner likes and give it without being asked. They use their years of experience with each other to their advantage.
Gager and Yabiku go on to hypothesize that over the years, we may have over-inflated the differences between men and woman to support the rigid social roles we knew as children. We may have been overestimating the differences between men and women when it comes to both the value of household chores and the desire for sex.
Boomers have been challenging sex role stereotyping since the early 1970s and it has had the effect of liberating woman from their circumscribed roles… and it has done the same for men. If you’ve been married for more than 10 years, you probably have created a set of responsibilities and preferences that work for you both. This choice was not readily available to our parents but, thankfully, it is a choice our children have. Men now can openly appreciate and contribute to the trust, intimacy, and sexual attraction of a warm and clean home without challenging their manhood.
So, doing the laundry or cooking dinner may seem to be an odd romantic prelude to sex, but if you give him or her what he or she wants, you just may soon have a smile on your face.
Check out Bill Roiter’s book, “Beyond Work.” Click here.
Filed Under: Baby Boomer Culture • Bill Roiter • Featured Story
You wrote,”being able to get “in the mood” may not be as reliable as 20 or even 10 years ago.” I’m constantly seeing ads on TV, in magazines, and even scenes in movies implying the same sort of problem for men my age. Am I just not normal? I’m a guy in my 50s, been married more than 20 years, and my “ability to get in the mood” has absolutely never failed me. And I am in the mood a lot! Seriously, is this not normal?
Geoff – The ability to get in the mood is not a ‘yes I can’ or ‘no, I can’t choice’. Across all men there is a broad spectrum of situations between the yes and the no. As individuals we each have a place on this spectrum ranging from no desire or ability to a raging desire and ability.
Research has found that about 20% of men in their 50s and 60s have erectile dysfunction problems and the number rises to 50% in their 70s. Also, many men have a low libido, low desire, due to low testosterone, prescription meds, chronic illness, stress and a myriad of related issues.
I would say that you are at least normal and also very fortunate.
Excellent point about knowing what your partner wants and then giving it to her.
In our marriage coaching practice with troubled couples, my wife and I stress a simple principle: Stop doing what drives your spouse away and do more of what attracts him/her.
Bill, it’s true that women find it pleasing when a man does household chores. Building add-ons is even better.
Think about it, women have a natural nesting instinct, so when they see their men improving the home environment, warm feelings certainly abound. The same goes for simple care and cleaning, though it depends on the lady…
As to the arousal problems that a huge number of men face. I think that fear plays a major role. Many men may be afraid of the opportunity cost inherent in the time that pleasurable sex takes.
Well, as Susan Jeffers says, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” That’s right, I think that when men start thinking of all their responsibilities and plans, the body gets turned off in a big way.
Men with stress-related ED need to overcome the fear of wasting time. Because, let’s face it nookie with the missus is an important activity to keep marriage healthy, and it’s well worth the time.
Lee – A couple’s knowledge of each and their caring for each other is displayed by what they do for each other. This is as true with sex as it it with money, socializing and all the other meaningful parts of life.
Jacqueline – On a daily basis we do the risk and reward analysis. Do we turn right on red or wait for the safer green light; order a burger rare or go for the recommended medium-well; do we tell our partner what we want or hope that he or she divines it? Fear pushes us to make the safer decision and accept the lower reward. Some of us are more risk averse and others more risk tolerant. For a fearful person to create a more rewarding life he or she may have to learn to accept a little more risk. This idea is discussed in my book ‘Beyond Work: How Accomplished Retire Successfully (Wiley, 2008).
As for ED, consider that almost 80% of men between 50 and 70 do not have diagnosable ED. That said, many men have a lower libido due to related physical and psychological issues. A guy with concerns should talk with his Doctor and possibly see a Urologist. That is if he is willing to risk feeling a little embarrassed about a legitimate medical issue. Think back to how embarrassing it was to talk about pimples when you were a teen; pretty silly.