Baby Boomers are in for a Shock!
We have more in common than the name “Baby Boomers.” What we also have in common is something some of us already have gone through, some are going through now, and some are about to: our parents’ deaths. With a nursing background involving bereavement and palliative care, Jane Galbraith thought she was ready for her own grief. But she wasn’t. That’s why she has written a book about the experience, and an article for BoomerCafé called, “Nobody Wants to Talk About It.
Baby Boomers are in for a shock!!! We may think that we are prepared for the sadness that will accompany our parents’ death, if we haven’t suffered through it already. In fact we are usually totally unprepared for this life experience. To lose the people in your life who have always been there and known you best is a life-altering event.
I was sure that I understood the pain that would accompany the death of my mother. Professionally I was a nurse and involved in palliative care and bereavement counselling, so I was sure that I was prepared. I sure was wrong!!
I quickly realized that the experience could only be described as a total assault on my being. I became concerned about my friends who had not yet experienced this pain.
Our generation has had an enormous impact on many of our cultural and societal norms. How we handle the deaths of our parents will be no exception. Baby Boomers have had many advantages compared with previous generations but although we lived through the war in Vietnam, we really have limited experience with the consequences of events like world war and economic depression.
Grief causes physical and emotional pain. Baby Boomers have come to expect instant pain relief in this fast paced society.
Unfortunately Baby Boomers face this chapter in our lives in a culture that no longer gives grief the respect or validation it deserves. Grief is an emotion that society doesn’t want to discuss. It has become “off limits.”
Finding someone to listen to you again and again is a key element to get through this difficult time. It can be a friend or a counsellor – it really doesn’t matter. Talking about our feelings is key to coming to terms with our grief.
We have inherited the “stiff upper lip” of our parents’ generation and have been inundated with expressions like “get on with life” and “closure” and “getting back to normal.” None of these attitudes or expressions helps us when we’re stricken with grief.
Losing a parent is a significant loss that is difficult to describe to someone who hasn’t yet experienced it. The expectation of those around us to get “back to normal” takes an incredible amount of energy. It can be exhausting.
People don’t want to see others in pain. That’s why we sometimes try to rush them through a process that cannot be rushed; it must follow its own pace. It requires time that our culture finds difficult to give.
We will never be the same after this life experience but will eventually develop a new “normal” and learn to live in a world without our loved ones. But you’ll experience waves of grief even months later when you least expect it. It is part of the natural cycle of life. It takes time and patience from those who are close to us.
Hopefully the sheer numbers of Baby Boomers experiencing this life event will change the way our culture handles grief. It is not well understood. Without that understanding, it becomes harder to navigate through this inevitable and disturbing experience of death.
There are positive elements in the grief process. As you go through it, you can find that your priorities are different than before, and that there is an appreciation of life that perhaps wasn’t there in the past. Hopefully many Baby Boomers will experience some of these positive changes in their lives, and help to change the way our culture handles grief.
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Jane Galbraith”s book is available through the author directly at jane.galbraith@sympatico.ca or directly from Amazon.com. More information about the book can be found at www.boomergrief.blogspot.com.
About the Author: Since the summer of 1999, BoomerCafé™ has been an online creative writing gathering place for baby boomers with active lifestyles and youthful spirits.
GoingLikeSixty | Sep 15, 2007 | Reply
My only son and only brother both died before I was 22.
My parents were all I had. They both died a few years back - a couple years apart.
I miss them a lot.
My mother was the best listener. Whenever one of our kids did something, she was the first we called.
Whenever we went on trips, she let us ramble on about the good times.
As a matter of fact, it was her laugh that ultimately led to the discovery that she had cancer - for the second time.
She would laugh and it ended with a cough.
She beat colon cancer early in her life but died of lung cancer.
There are places or events that occur that I think “Dad would like this.” He died of lonlieness. His wife was his best friend. It was not in their “plans” for her to die first.
I miss them a lot. It’s hard to see through my teary eyes so I’ll stop.
I’ve wanted to write this, but didn’t want to clog my blog with such a downer.
Thanks for the opportunity.
Mark
Carol D. O'Dell | Sep 16, 2007 | Reply
I understand this dilemma completely. As difficult and challenging and frustrating it is caregive (especially in our sandiwich generation years), the “void” on the other side is somewhat unexpected–and unavoidable.
Boomers are not prepared–not their hearts. We (I’m one too) think we don’t “need” our parents, that we’re invincible, that we’re strong enough, together enough, busy enough not to really have to slow down and “feel” what’s happening.
But grief doesn’t listen. It takes you in its waves, in its undertow, and all you can do is trust that you’ll eventually get back to shore.
I cared for my mother full-time for the last three years of her life, and I had truly exhausted myself physically, mentally, and emotionally by the time it was all over.
Yet, I found that first year empty, meaningless (at times), and had to be very tender with myself.
I wrote every day. I wrote the entire time I cared for my mom–I captured all the hurts, frustrations, and irritations of caregiving–and I wrote that first year after my mom’s passing to capture my reflections and transformation.
It helped–and waiting for the grief too pass.
~Carol D. O’Dell
author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
available on Amazon and in most bookstores.
open4lifecoach | Sep 27, 2007 | Reply
Thank you for addressing this issue. My dad was 83 when he died almost 5 years ago. I thought he would live forever despite his worsening congestive heart failure. I also thought I was prepared for his death. No one could have prepared me for the intense grief I felt.
In the aftermath, I as the eldest child with a mother with dementia, tried to buck up and be the strong one. We had a beautiful memorial service and then I moved seamlessly, I thought, back into my corporate life; grieving with myself “by appointment”.
Six weeks out, I came home one evening and started crying about Dad. I cried for hours and just couldn’t seem to stop. Through my tears, I rationalized that I must be tired. I took a tranquilizer and laid down to try to sleep. Surely, I’d get a grip on the grief by morning.
When I woke up, it was like I never slept. I woke up crying and after several hours called into work and asked for the number of the EAP counselor. I talked with her for a while and she had me do a meditation to calm down. I later met with her and started to really address the grief I had suppressed for weeks. There’s also a book that helped me get through some of the tough days–HEALING AFTER LOSS: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman.
Now the pain of losing my dad is still with me but has softened. I think about him often and see his wonderful smile in my mind’s eye.
Beverly Mahone | Sep 28, 2007 | Reply
In the African-American community, death becomes a celebration of the life one led. Yes, there is sadness but choosing to focus on the wonderful things our parents and or grandparents did while they were alive helps ease the pain of death.
My mother is still alive at 85 and although she is incapacitated, the family is not sitting around grieving and waiting for her to pass away. Instead, we share stories of the past and thank God for the live she has led.
I lost my father to heart disease more than 20 years ago. The sting of his death has stayed with me but as I said before I choose to focus on what a wonferful dad I had and I love sharing some of the funny stories so it keeps positive images alive in my mind.
Brunie | Oct 10, 2007 | Reply
Having experienced the recent death of one of the My Plan After 50 team member’s 26 year old son, it brings to mind a blog one of our other team members shared on how to deal with grief. It got down to simply being present with the person…with the love you feel…and without fear.
Yes…many of us will experience the surplus stage of life our forebearers did not, and the deaths of peers and loved ones will be a big part of that. Not only do we have the option of an “Encore” career in our lives, though. We will also have the chance to give back in a pre-planned, mindful way…that no previous generation has had.
May we do it with grace.