Midlife Metamorphosis

Most of us boomers have been doing the same thing for a long time now. What would it take to make change? Would change be good or bad? Longtime schoolteacher Kathy Hegler figured it out…not easily, not painlessly…but she now appreciates the value of a Midlife Metamorphosis.

OK, I just did the math. I have taught English to middle- and high-school students for about 6,666 days of my life, give or take a few. Satan would be amused. While my life’s work has challenged, amazed, confounded, and entertained me on a daily basis, over the past decade or so a recurring question has persistently popped into my mind, especially on noisy days: might there be something else?

Circumstances have come together recently that will drop-kick me into a new career within a year, whether I’m ready or not. For one thing, my retirement pension, combined with social security for which I’ll soon qualify, will make my attendance at school -– or not — a financial wash. Do I want to keep going just for the pure pleasure? Second, I’d like a more flexible schedule so I can attend to my elderly parents in New Mexico when they need me.

Then there’s the noise associated with teaching. Teenage girls scream. They scream when they love a boy. When they hate him, they scream too. They scream and hug a friend they haven’t seen for all of forty-five minutes. They scream in a crisis, like when their best friend won’t speak to them….or something even more wrenching, like, they can’t find a pencil. But it’s not just the girls; the guys are noisy, too, and they bash each other for emphasis. I think it’s a human form of “rutting.” None of this bothered me until I was forced to endure puberty and menopause at the same time in the same room. Then I began to rethink my priorities.

The situation that forced me to make a plan, though, was a crisis involving my young-adult daughter. She shocked me by revealing that she was deep into alcohol and drugs, and had been for more than three years. I had worried about her drinking when she was in college, but I rationalized: did I drink too much in college? Perhaps. Her revelation, a cry for help, sent me into the greatest tailspin of my life. I sought counseling.

On the day of my initial visit to see Teresa, the counselor, I taught all of my English classes and was still mulling over the concerns of the day when I walked into the lobby of her building. There was silence. Blessed silence. “Silence is golden,” I thought to myself, “I could work here.” The pace of our visit was unhurried and comfortable. None of this was really about me, I assured Teresa. I just wanted to understand my daughter and her needs. What had I missed when my daughter’s drug and alcohol abuse first began? What cues blew right by me? What could I do now?

The script for subsequent visits went more or less like this: “How are you?” Teresa would ask.

“Well, my daughter blah blah blah,” I would respond.

Gradually, over a period of many weeks, Teresa would redirect. “What do you want?” she would inquire.

“Well, my daughter blah blah blah,” I would say. I began to notice that my therapy assignments were not about my daughter.

But one day, I really heard Teresa. “What do you want?” she asked.

Want? Want? What did I want? Why was this a frightening concept? My mind raced. I’ll know the answer in just a second, I thought. I’m an English teacher. I have always scored well on standardized tests. “Well, my daughter…” I started to say. But there was no turning back. This was about me, after all.

And so, I began a search. I read books, as English teachers are wont to do. I read likely books and articles about career changes, and unlikely books such as Snow by Turkish writer Orhan Pamuk. His protagonist, Ka, is inspired by a snowflake to “map out a vision of himself and his place in the world, his special fears, his distinctive attributes, his uniqueness.” I searched my soul. What, indeed, did I want?

Although money and power are very seductive, and, of course, I’d love to be paid as well as a pro baseball player, I decided that’s really not what I am about. For me, the highest and most noble life is the one lived to help others. My career as a teacher has been rewarding because I have made a difference in my students’ lives. I’d like to think that most of them have improved their writing skills and have made a smoother transition into adulthood because I cared about them. So, continuing to help others would suit me. A more flexible schedule would be good. But I realized that among my other wants, I’d also like a quieter atmosphere.

A career as a certified drug and alcohol counselor matches all of my criteria, and I am excited about this new challenge. At last, I have a plan! My final day as an English teacher will be in May next year. I will celebrate my metamorphosis in Paris with my family; the silence can wait til after that! Then I will attend college again, complete the required courses and exams, and launch my new career. I want to be helpful to others as they battle substance abuse issues. One truth is no longer lost: this new calling is about me. A midlife metamorphosis is not a bad thing.

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