Boomer Life

Boomer Larry Lefkowitz has written often for BoomerCafé. He writes about his life. And just like the rest of us, living as long as we’ve lived, there have been highs, and there have been lows. In this piece, Larry gives us a frank insight into some lowest lows. But also, how he has moved past them.

I have resisted writing about this part of my personal life, because it’s painful….and some of you might be able to identify and commiserate because your lives have gone the same way. But what I decided was, the pro’s outweigh the con’s. For me…and maybe for you, too.

Last Fall, I ended my second marriage. There were all kinds of reasons, all mine, but mainly, I didn’t want to live with my wife’s baggage any longer. Her daughter’s behavior and how she dealt with it. Her ex-husband’s interference and how I was expected to tolerate it. I had tried to live with all this for almost seven years but there wasn’t enough progress to feel encouraged. I realized that I preferred to be alone rather than be frustrated and aggravated by being together. It got to the point where I was frustrated and aggravated more often than I was happy or content.

My now ex-wife is a wonderful person. I like, respect, and admire her. But I disagreed with those other parts of her life that had nothing to do with how she and I operated together. So, two years ago we split physically, and finalized the deal recently. We still hang out together sporadically.

To get to the point, at my age, I now feel a much stronger sense of mortality. I no longer want to wait as long for things to develop. My desire to compromise and sacrifice is diminished. Other than for my children, I feel I have sacrificed enough in relationships. Of course, it is also a consideration that I have not chosen the best partners, at least not the best partners for me. I am basically a restless person and need frequent mental stimulation. Meaning, I am not necessarily easy to live with.

On the other side of the coin, I am a good listener and am fairly selfless. But my attempts at marriage have been long and unsuccessful. So I decided to leave the institution for good. I no longer worry about being alone because alone does not have to mean lonely, and the stigma is for everyone else to worry about. I have many interests and hobbies, and if I begin to feel lonely, I go where people are. I am rarely disappointed when I’m around people. Often strangers will do or say something to make me laugh or feel good. I tell my daughters that I prefer it this way, and that they should not worry about their Dad being a solitary person.

I always thought that eventually, both of my marriages would change and I would be happier, have more fun, worry less, and be more challenged and inspired by the women with which I chose to spend my life. But it never happened for me, and though I enjoyed living with my recent ex, I did not enjoy living with her skeletons, which surfaced frequently and at inopportune times.

I now believe that I may just be ill-suited to marriage, if for no other reason than that I cannot choose well. But I think that, this late in the game, the development time is too great, the patience required is too much, and the chances for compatibility too slim, to think that I could be with someone the rest of my life. That last part is a key concern, for at my age, the end is much closer than the beginning.

Perhaps I have run out of patience, both with myself and with relationships. Perhaps I want too much; maybe I want too little. But I think I know what is best for me now. I know that you can’t force relationships to be. They either happen or they don’t. But no one can be molded into what another person wants or expects. Realizing that intellectually and accepting it emotionally are two different things.

For all of you who have married and unmarried, realize that life can be good with or without a mate. There is too little time to be unhappy. I am not sure happiness can be made. More now than before, I think it happens and you just have to be receptive to it to have it. Happiness is not a constant, so expecting it from a relationship is unrealistic. However, if it happens for you, you are lucky. I have not shut down or excluded anything, but I am much more passive now concerning relationships. If one happens that works, great. If not, that’s fine too.

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